The Wolf Within
by politicalanimal
Summary: Written preOotP. Snape thinks of an interesting way to befriend Lupin. A lot of secrets come to light on the way. No slash complete
1. The Wolfsbane Potion?

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter One: "The Wolfsbane Potion?"   
  
He had been knowing who would be entering his office about two minutes before the knock on the door actually came. Regular, hurried footsteps, a sort of prowling walk that no human being-or entirely human being, that is- could hear and recognize as clearly as Remus Lupin could.   
  
His sharp sense of hearing had told him that Severus Snape was walking down the corridor towards his office. Lupin´s equally sharp sense of smell had told him that Snape was carrying the potion with him. Well, no surprise there, what would he want here anyway?   
  
"Come in," Lupin called. The door opened, and Severus Snape entered, carrying a smoking goblet, careful not to spill some of the substance in it. The smell was awful. Of course, Lupin had smelled that potion about a million times before, at least he felt he had, but it struck him everytime he was about to drink it just how terrible and disgusting it was.   
  
"Your potion," Snape said, the usual expression of intense dislike and resentment on his face.   
Wordlessly, Lupin took the goblet from Snape. He looked at it for a while, feeling the inner tension he always felt before drinking it, then looked up at Snape again.   
  
"Thank you, Severus." It was perfectly clear from his tone that he wanted to be left alone, but Snape didn´t move.  
"It´s pretty strong, this time, Lupin, and you should drink it immidiately. Take small swallows."   
Lupin -feeling slightly taken aback because Snape was still refusing to call him by his first name- was on the verge of telling Snape that he knew exactly how strong that potion was, and that he really didn´t need advice, but he thought better of it.  
After all, Lupin had always been really bad at potions, so maybe he DID need advice....   
  
Lupin gave Snape another look that told him quite plainly to leave, and leave *now*, but still, Snape didn´t move. Lupin gave a soundless sigh. It was obvious that Snape wasnn´t going to leave him alone, not even if he asked him to.  
_He probably wants to make sure I really take it_, Lupin thought,_ pity if he really thinks I am THAT thoughtless....._  
He raised the goblet and took a small swallow. A bitter, horrible taste filled his mouth and throat. He took the goblet away from his lips, trying very hard not to choke and resisting the urge to spit it out again. There was only one word for it: Disgusting.   
  
As he raised the goblet once more, feeling desperate and strangely nervous, he caught Snape´s eye. Something about the look in those black eyes made his hand stop abruptly. Lupin froze, the goblet held out in front of him, he stared at Snape.  
Snape was watching him with more than interest. It was.....an eager look? No, not eager. Concern? No way....  
It was as if he was waiting for something. Yes, that was it. He was waiting for something, a hint of triumph in his eyes.......  
Lupin frowned, his eyes narrowed slightly.   
  
_Surely_, he thought, _surely he wouldn´t.....he´d never.......or would he?_  
Lupin didn´t know how much time passed while they were looking at each other. He didn´t know what exactly made him do it. A voice inside his head suddenly said: "No, he wouldn´t." and Lupin took the rest of the potion.  
He regretted having drunk it the moment he set the goblet down. Snape gave a triumphant, superior smile, his black eyes gleaming excitedly. Lupin felt the colour drain from his face. His insides contracted strangely, and he was sure he would be sick any second.   
  
"How do you feel?" Snape said, smiling contently, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Lupin didn´t answer. His insides were on fire. He was sweating all over.   
"I.......don´t.........know," he replied finally, leaning onto his desk. He tried very hard to think of something he could do, but he just couldn´t concentrate on his thoughts. Well, that was probably what Snape had been playing at.....   
  
"I think you should sit down," Lupin heard Snape say.  
He sounded miles away. Lupin turned, one hand trying to pull out his wand, the other resting on his desk. The room had started to whirl around him. The last thing he knew was that his legs gave way and he fell, fell into an overwhelming blackness. 


	2. The Experiment

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Two: "The Experiment"   
  
A rustle. What was it? Where was it coming from?  
_Am I dreaming?_ Lupin wondered.  
_No. I´m awake...._ He frowned.   
  
Not opening his eyes, he listened harder and snifffed the air to find out where he was.  
_My office....the fire. The rustle is coming from the fire. Somebody must´ve lit it...._  
At that point, Lupin realized he wasn´t alone.  
_Severus......?!_   
  
Lupin´s eyes flew open. He was lying on the floor of his office, in front of a roaring fire. He stared into the flames for a brief moment, feeling a rush of surprise that he was apparently still alive.  
He turned around slowly. Snape was sitting on a chair a few yards away, smirking at him.   
  
"Had enough Beauty Sleep?" he said, in what Lupin thought had probably been intended to be a sneering voice, but it didn´t sound like a sneer at all.  
Lupin pulled himself up into a sitting position. He felt weak. Very weak. And there was something else. Something was wrong.......something was definitly wrong. And suddenly, he froze. His head jerked towards the window. Lupin gasped.   
br> The moon. The full moon was up and towering over him. But he was still himself. No fangs, no four legs, no fur, no nothing. He took a deep breath. He didn´t even feel the wolf inside of him. Lupin felt akward. He looked back at Snape. He was wearing an expression Lupin had never seen on his face before.  
It looked oddly like........happiness. It was as if he was trying hard not to grin broadly, and he didn´t really manage to keep his face straight.   
  
Snape noticed his uncharacteristical behaviour, too, apparently, because his expression became serious and he said: "Took me ages to develop it."  
"What?" Lupin asked, although he did have a very good idea of what the answer would be.  
"The potion." The arrogant smirk was back in its place. And with these last words, Lupin understood.   
  
"How nice of you to ask me for my permission before using me as your guinea-pig."  
Snape´s smirk vanished. The loathing returned to his eyes in an instant.  
"Scientific developments don´t need anybody´s permission," he hissed.  
"That´s what you call it?" Lupin felt anger burn inside of him.  
"You wouldn´t have agreed if I had asked you anyway."  
"How do you know ? You didn´t even try!"   
  
Lupin glared at Snape, and raising his voice, he added:  
"You could have killed me! Well, that would´ve been be a nice little side-effect for you, right?" He felt anger beyond of what he had thought was possible.  
Snape got to his feet.   
  
"I was sure it wouldn´t harm you in any way! Well, obviously I was right not to ask, because your first thought would´ve been that I simply wanted to poison you!" he shouted. His voice echoed around the office.   
  
"Oh, and of course your intentions were, well, 'to help me', right?"  
Snape smirked. "Well, you´re the only werewolf around..."   
  
Lupin stared. He gulped hard. He forced himself -it took all his might- to remain calm, and slightly trembling with rage he finally managed to say:  
"Get out." And in a menacing voice, he added: "Just get out. NOW."   
  
Snape looked at him for a moment, his eyes glittering dangerously. Then he turned and swept out of Lupin´s office. 


	3. Talking to Snape

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Three: "Talking to Snape"   
  
Remus Lupin was sitting at his desk, the fourth-years´ essays on werewolves (he liked the irony about it, somehow) lying in front of him.  
Lines over lines of neat hand-writing. _Hands._  
It made Lupin think of paws. The thought irritated him. He pushed the small pile of papers away and rubbed his forehead with both hands. He gave a deep sigh.   
  
Two weeks had come and went since the last full moon.  
Two weeks he would rather have skipped. He hadn´t been himself ever since...ever since Snape had tested that potion on him.  
They hadn´t spoken to each other during the whole two weeks. Lupin didn´t consider that to be a great loss. Well, they hadn´t talked much before, had they?   
  
It wasn´t that Lupin wasn´t thankful. He was of course delighted about the fact he´d never have to transform again if he didn´t want to.  
It was just that his anger was stronger than his gratitude.   
  
No, he had never liked being a werewolf. But now....everything was different. Lupin was different.  
He had noticed quite a serious change in his behaviour, snapping at people, raising his voice almost to a yell when poor Neville Longbottom had kept dropping his wand in class. Lupin had blamed his strange behaviour on whatever Snape had thrown into that potion, but at heart he knew there was more to it.  
It was as if something was missing. But just when Lupin thought he had figured out what exactly it was, it had slipped from his mind again.   
  
_Well, the potion´ll wear off soon, anyway, no point in worrying too much,_ he thought.  
But still...now that the day he had finally been freed from a life-long burden was here, why didn´t he feel like celebrating?  
_You just don´t like feeling grateful towards Snape._  
That was true...   
_It´s so stupid_, Lupin thought, getting to his feet. _Not talking to each other like sore little schoolboys!_  
He walked towards the door.   
  
_I will go now and ask him when he thinks the potion should wear off. No use in holding on to my foolish pride... He HAS to tell me what exactly he made me drink! And most of all...why he developed the potion in the first place...._   
  
The only probable reason Lupin could think of was fame. Glory.   
But somehow, he had a feeling Snape´s intention had neither been fame, nor glory. He couldn´t quite explain it.   
Having reached the door, Lupin opened it and hurried down into the dungeons, determined to get a few answers out of Snape.   
  
A minute later he had reached the door to Snape´s office, and entered it without knocking.  
Snape spun around. When he recognized Lupin, the surprise in his eyes was replaced by anger.   
  
"There´s something the people in the civilized world do, before entering another person´s room. It´s called knocking. Oh, I forgot, you don´t have that sort of thing in a pack of wolves, do you?" he sneered.   
  
Lupin didn´t say anything, although he heard the blood pounding in his ears. He looked around Snape´s office.   
His gaze lingered on the glass jars standing on shelves behind Snape´s desk. Lupin grimaced as he tried to figure out what sort of animals were floating inside of the jars. One of those slimy things looked horribly like a rat´s insides.  
Lupin looked back at Snape and realized that Snape had followed his gaze.   
  
Lupin smiled softly and gestured quickly at the jars.   
"I see you are among your own kind?" he said, his smile widening as Snape´s hands balled into fists.   
  
"I´d rather have rat guts for company than you, thank you very much."  
Lupin´s smile faded. Stupid thing to do, getting into a quarell with Snape just now...  
"What do you want anyway?" Snape spat.   
  
Lupin thought it best to get to the point directly.  
"What kind of potion was that?"   
Snape smiled a twisted smile.  
"I thought you´d never ask."   
His eyes gleamed excitedly as he went on:  
"Well, look, I just added a little..."   
  
Thirty seconds later, Lupin interrupted him. Hearing what exactly was used to brew the potion didn´t help to change his mind concerning his dislike of it at all...quite the opposite.   
  
"When does it wear off?"  
Snape shrugged slightly. "Should´ve done so by now."  
Then, dawning comprehension on his face, he eyed Lupin suspiciously and asked: "Why? Is something wrong?"  
Lupin wondered what to tell him. "Er, I didn´t feel very well during the last two weeks..."  
"But it´s always been that way, hasn´t it?" Snape said, sounding hopeful.  
Lupin sighed and ran one hand through his hair, feeling uncomfortable.  
"Sure, but that´s not the point. Seriously, I fear something went wrong..."  
"It did NOT!" Snape´s black eyes were flashing angrily.   
  
"I knew perfectly well what I was doing, as I´ve already told you."  
Lupin closed his eyes and took a few calming breaths. It was no use to bring it all up again.  
Suddenly, as though having made his decision, Lupin took a few steps forwards and looked directly into Snape´s eyes.   
"Why did you develop such a potion?" he asked, in a low but neutral voice.  
There was a long pause. Lupin held Snape´s gaze, waiting patiently. Finally, Snape said:   
"Because I knew how to."  
Lupin raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "That´s your explanation?"   
"I don´t think I need to explain myself to you, but nevermind... Well, it´s quite a step forward, the potion", Snape smirked.   
"Making the lives of hundreds of poor, miserable half-human beings so much easier.... "In my opinion, it´s worth the Order of Merlin, third class -at least, I´d say..."   
  
He crossed his arms in front of his chest and gave an arrogant, triumphant smile.  
Lupin nodded slowly. "If you say so." He hesitated. Then, seeing the reserved look on Snape´s face, Lupin turned to leave.   
Back in the corridor, he still wasn´t sure whether he bought that story -Snape had sounded convincing, but on the other hand, he´d always been a great actor- but Lupin was sure of what he was going to do next: The thing he should have done two weeks ago. 


	4. Talking to Dumbledore

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Four: "Talking to Dumbledore"   
  
To the outsider´s eye, problems of any kind appear to have an easy solution at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Go to Dumbledore.   
In fact, however, it is a lot more difficult.   
  
Lupin, standing in front of the stone goblin, wondered why he felt just like a schoolboy again. He was a teacher here, and -the thought made him feel uneasy for some reason- he even was something like a friend to Dumbledore. There was no logical reason to be insecure at all.  
But, on the other hand, using a word such as "logical" within the Wizarding World was quite risky. Well, some people said it didn´t make sense at all.   
  
_But that means_, Lupin thought, muttering the password and stepping onto the moving stairs up to the headmaster´s office, _it´s illogical to use the word "logical"._  
He stopped wondering about the "logical or illogical" question when he had reached the door.  
_Quite a few things definitly seem to be illogical to me these days, though_, Lupin thought.   
  
Finally, he took a deep breath, raised a fist and knocked on the door three times.  
"Come in," called Albus Dumbledore´s voice from inside the office. Lupin entered. "Ah, Remus, how are you?"   
Before Lupin could think of an answer that was not too much of a lie, Dumbledore seemed to have read his mind.   
"You are here to ask for advice?"  
"Er, well, yes." Lupin still wasn´t sure how to word what was bothering him.   
"Sit down, please." Lupin sat.  
"You haven´t been feeling very well during the past weeks, have you?"  
Lupin frowned. "Is it really that obvious?" - "I´m afraid it is."   
  
Lupin sighed. He decided to start at the beginning, that was always the best solution.  
"Two weeks ago, Snape tested a potion on me." There was a pause in which Lupin realized suddenly he had said "Snape" instead of "Severus". Lupin shook his head slightly to make the feeling of astonishment about himself vanish from his mind.   
  
"And it made you keep your human shape," Dumbledore said thoughtfully.  
Lupin blinked. "Yes...." Dumbledore stroked his silver beard slowly.  
"So he DID finish the potion. I had a feeling he was not telling me something..."  
"So you knew about it?" Lupin said, not sure if he was surprised or not, as Dumbledore knew pretty much everything that was going on at Hogwarts.   
  
"Of course I did. He wanted to know what I thought about his idea."  
Lupin frowned. "His idea?" Dumbledore hesitated. He looked at Lupin closely, than at his hands, which were now folded in his lap, and back up at Lupin again.   
  
He gave a small sigh before he said: "Actually, I think it would be better if you heard about it from Severus himself, but with regards to the current circumstances it´s not very likely that he wouldd tell you. I will do that now, for I fear the two of you might never get on speaking-terms again otherwise..."   
  
Dumbledore paused. Lupin waited, not having a clue of what Dumbledore was going to say to him.  
"Severus thought it might be a good idea to help you gain a normal life to repair the damage he´s caused two years ago. He feels it´s basically his fault that you left Hogwarts."  
Lupin realized he had held his breath and started to pant slightly before replying: "You mean the fact that he told his students I am a werewolf?" - "Yes."   
  
Lupin didn´t know what to say. He tried hard to picture Snape feeling guilty for what he´d done, but he didn´t manage to. Dumbledore broke the silence.   
"I guess Severus didn´t consider the events from two years ago a good basis for an attempt to improve the relationship between the two of you. I agree, by the way."   
Lupin tore his eyes away from the floor.   
  
"It was not implied in his idea to test the potion on me without asking for my permisson, was it?" he asked, sounding a lot more sarcastic than he had meant to.  
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.   
"Ah, now I see why you are so angry with him..."   
  
"He didn´t know what was going to happen, he could´ve killed me," Lupin said, this time a lot louder than he had intended. Dumbledore pushed his glasses back up his nose with his index finger.  
"He wouldn´t have tested it on you if he hadn´t been sure that it wouldn´t harm you."  
"That´s what he´s told me, basically. But why didn´t he just ask me, for heaven´s sake!" Lupin blurted out.   
  
Dumbledore sighed. "I´m not sure. Severus is a very complex person, as you might have realized. Personally, I tend to believe he felt he had the right not to, as he developed that potion for you in the first place. He has been working on it ever since he knew you were coming back to teach here. It took all his time, and quite a few nights´ sleep, I suppose."   
  
Lupin frowned thoughtfully and looked down at his feet.   
"I´m sorry that I cannot let you ponder on what I´ve just told you, but we´ve got important issues to discuss."   
Something about Dumbledore´s tone made Lupin jerk up his head again.  
The old man´s expression was most serious. "You said earlier you didn´t feel well?"   
  
"Yes, I´ve been feeling......akward. Out of place. Lost. As if....as if I wasn´t myself. Then there is this headache that won´t go away", he touched his temple absent-mindedly, "and I haven´t slept properly for the whole two weeks..."   
Dumbledore nodded slowly.   
"Do you think....do you think something about the potion went wrong?" Lupin asked, trying not to sound too anxious.   
  
"It´s possible. But, to tell you the truth, Remus...." his bright blue eyes fixed upon Lupin, "I don´t think it´s very likely. Severus may be a disagreeable person with a lot of flaws and a habit of complicating things, but when it comes to potions, he´s brilliant. I´ve never told him that, but in my opinion you won´t find anyone who is more skilled than he is anywhere."   
  
Lupin thought of the look on Snape´s face when he had started to explain what exactly was in that potion.  
"You´re probably right. But what do you think is the matter with me if the potion worked all right?"   
  
Dumbledore leaned forward. "I noticed -and I wasn´t the only one- that you have been acting very uncharacteristically. In my opinion, it´s because you didn´t transform."  
"What do you mean?" Lupin asked, frowning.  
"I´ve heard of werewolves who simply stopped transforming after they had experienced a serious change in their lives, such as the loss of someone they loved. And, having lost the part of them which had once been a wolf, their personalities changed drastically.  
"As you didn´t transform at the last full moon because of Severus´ potion, your balance of mind has been disturbed. You can´t change into a wolf at every full moon for years and years and simply stop to do so without consequences." Dumbledore paused.   
  
"This particular phenomenon is rare, very rare, though. You, however, show all the symptoms. Normally, you are the personification of patience and calmness, but you´ve been over-reacting all the time for the past two weeks. No wonder, you didn´t get the chance to get rid of hidden agressions as usual."   
  
Lupin´s head suddenly felt very heavy. Now that he had heard Dumbledore´s theory, it seemed natural to him that his wolf-self and his human self were connected, affecting each other.   
How strange, he´d used to see the wolf within himself as something completely detached from his own mind. He looked at Dumbledore.  
"Do you think I will be all right again after the next full moon?" he asked seriously.   
  
There was a pause. Dumbledore nodded silently. "You should be well again."   
_I *should* be well again?_  
Seeing the confused look on Lupin´s face, the headmaster added:  
"If you manage to restore your inner balance again... It might cause a mental blockade, and keep you from transforming if you don´t succeed. I´m sorry. I will help you wherever I can, of course."   
  
Now, Lupin definitly felt like a schoolboy again, like a first-year who´s got lost in an unknown part of the castle with no one to help him around, to be precise... 


	5. Snape´s Secret

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Five: "Snape's Secret"   
  
It was like being on a fare-well tour. As if death was hovering over him like a threatening shadow, ready to strike as soon as the full moon was up.  
Lupin had spent most of his time apologizing over and over again for (what felt like) everything to pretty much everyone in the castle, trying hard to hold his temper -which was becoming more and more difficult. He felt it would be good to get rid of all negative feelings. Make peace with your neighbours, gain peace for yourself.  
How else would you restore your inner balance? At least it was a start...   
  
Sometimes, when the rational part of his mind succeeded to overcome the stronger emotional part and Lupin could recognize things for what they were clearly, he knew that his way of restoring his balance of mind was obviously far too easy.  
Apologizing was never exactly easy, but on these rare occasions when his mind was working rationally, Lupin saw that making peace with others was not really helpful.  
What he had to do was to make peace with himself. Or actually, to make peace with the wolf-side of himself. His wolf-self...   
  
_There has been a war_, he thought bitterly.  
There had been a war since the day he was born, a war inside of himself...  
A war between human and wolf, a war Lupin had always referred to as a war between good and evil.   
  
Lupin had denied the wolf within himself. Hated him. Blamed him. Longed to kill him. In Lupin´s eyes, the wolf was nothing but pure evilness. But in those hours of rationality, Lupin realized all he had to do was probably to finally accept the wolf inside of him as a part of his personality, and, this conclusion drawn, he felt perfectly calm again.  
Unfortunately, his moments of knowledge didn´t last long.   
  
Lupin hadn´t reached this point of understanding all by himself, however. Quite a lot of conversations with Dumbledore had lead him to where he was now.   
Sometimes, Lupin had the impression that Dumbledore had held this kind of conversations before. But everytime he was about to ask whether his presumption was true, Dumbledore gave him a stern, warning look and Lupin somehow didn´t dare to word what was on his mind.   
  
Although Dumbledore had managed to help, Lupin wished he had someone who was more....like himself to talk to. He´d never met another werewolf, and, as he was suffering from a very rare phenominon, it was as good as impossible that there was someone who could be of assistance.  
He had to get through this alone, it seemed. He had to cope with his current situation all by himself.  
It didn´t really matter, though. Lupin had had to deal with a lot of trouble and difficulties in his life so far, it wasn´t new to him. But still, it would certainly help to have a fellow werewolf around, as a sort of companion.   
  
_No use in pondering on that issue_, Lupin thought, shifting in his chair, _there is no one around and no one in the world who is in this miserable situation. Except for me._  
He scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. It was warm and quiet in his office. The rustle of the fire made him feel enjoyably sleepy. He didn´t fancy leaving this comfortable, safe place, but he knew he had to. There was something he had to do. He couldn´t think of any more excuses, he had used all of them twice already.   
  
_Get up, wolfboy!_ Lupin chuckled to himself, surprised he had actually managed to chuckle.  
Using this bit of happy energy, Lupin got up quickly and headed for the door.  
_What lies before you can´t be worse than what lies behind...._  
When he turned the doorknob, the soft smile that was lingering on his face was wiped away suddenly by another thought:  
_Oh yes, it can..... _   
********   
It took quite a long time before Snape´s voice called "Come in" from inside his office. Lupin entered.   
  
Snape stared at him irritably.   
"Congratulations, you´ve learned how to knock," he said coldly.  
Lupin smiled mildly.   
  
"Took me ages to figure out how it works. I kept kicking the doors with my right foot, you know...." Lupin replied casually.  
Snape jerked his head angrily. Then he stepped aside and Lupin saw a cauldron standing right behind Snape´s desk. Apparetly, he was working on something. _Some potion_, Lupin corrected himself and sighed soundlessly. It reminded him of the reason for his visit.   
  
"As you can see," Snape said coldly, gesturing towards the cauldron, "I am busy at the moment. Could you come back later?"   
It was not a question, but an order.  
"No, I´m afraid I can´t." Lupin replied determinedly. Snape´s face went rigid with fury.   
  
"If I throw a stick, will you leave ???" he shouted.  
Lupin frowned. "I prefer frisbees."   
Snape stared, a blank look on his face.   
  
"Ah, that´s a Muggle thing, it looks like a...."  
"I don´t care what it looks like, I don´t care what it is, just go !"   
  
Snape stared at Lupin, his black eyes flashing with anger.   
"Actually," Lupin began heavily, "I´ve come to apologize." Snape´s mouth fell open slightly.  
"For...for what?" he asked quietly.  
"Well, firstly for shouting at you right after I had taken your potion. I shouldn´t have done that, it was really rude."   
  
Somewhere deep inside of him, Lupin felt a strange pain while saying all this. His head, however, felt lighter.  
"And secondly, I didn´t even thank you for developing it. I´m really sorry, Severus."   
  
Snape stared at Lupin. The look of plain confusion and surprise on his face almost made Lupin laugh.   
Suddenly, Snape moved towards the shelf behind his desk slowly and grabbed a small bottle filled with what looked like purple ink.  
He looked at it thoughtfully, then turned to Lupin again and said: "Dumbledore´s told you everything."  
Lupin nodded. "Yes. He´s told me about you working on that potion all summer. And why you developed it..."   
  
Snape walked over to his cauldron, the small bottle clenched in his fist.   
"I don´t blame you for what happened two years ago," Lupin went on. "At least now I don´t do anymore."  
Snape stared into the cauldron.   
  
Lupin took a few steps towards him. Snape looked up at him.  
"We don´t need to be best friends, Severus, but don´t you think we could at least start to talk to each other again?"   
  
Snape frowned. "You mean without insulting?"  
Lupin´s eyes narrowed suspiciously.   
"Sorry, I´m really bad at joking," Snape said quickly and turned the bottle in his hands.  
"Oh, er, ok."   
Lupin couldn´t think of something a bit more encouraging at the moment, the whole situation was just too weird. He and Snape, trying to become friends...or something like friends.   
  
For a brief moment, he wondered what Sirius or Harry would say if they saw him and Snape right now. He grinned absent-mindedly.  
Snape´s voice brought him back to reality. "Dumbledore´s told me about your...problem."   
  
Lupin watched him throwing some powder into the cauldron.   
_This is probably what he does when he´s in trouble or nervous_, Lupin thought, _brewing a potion. Got to be the last thing I would do..._   
  
"I don´t think it has something to do with the potion, either," Snape went on. "But I know how we could make sure it´s...," he glanced at Lupin, "it´s...you and not the potion that is responsible for your condition."   
  
"How?" Lupin asked, simply.  
"Three days to go until the full moon is up." Snape looked right into Lupin´s eyes. "Don´t take anything this time."   
  
"You´ve got to be kidding!" Lupin blurted out.  
"You, of all the people, should know how dangerous that would be! Think of the students! And I´m not going back to the Shrieking Shack!" he shouted furiously. And when Snape didn´t reply, he added:  
"Do you have any idea of how terrible transforming is? It´s bad enough with the Wolfsbane potion, without it, I can hardly stand the pain! And I don´t fancy losing my mind, thank you!"   
  
Snape was looking at Lupin in a way the werewolf couldn´t interpret.  
"I know it´s painful, I know it´s risky, but I also know it´s the only way. If you don´t take any potion, your blood will be clean, and we´ll know for sure if it´s inner our outer influences that changed your personality," he said calmly.  
Lupin´s head felt very heavy again. Every inch of his body refused to go through a transformation process without even the Wolfsbane, but he knew Snape had a point.   
  
Finally, Lupin nodded slowly. "All right, then."   
Snape smiled at him contently. Then he grabbed the bottle filled with purple liquid again.  
  
Lupin watched him, his heart beating hard against his chest. The memories of his painful transformations during his childhood made him feel sick. He had to distract himself.  
Suddenly, a thought struck him, and he smiled softly.   
  
"You know," he said to Snape who didn´t look up, "I´ve just realized, my odd behavior during the past weeks, I acted very much like you, don´t you think, what a coinci..."   
  
The small bottle shattered loudly on the stone floor. Snape had dropped it. He stared at Lupin, his face whiter than snow, and trembling slightly. Lupin frowned deeply.   
"What´s the matter..."   
Snape gulped and bent down to pick up what was left of the bottle.  
And then, Lupin almost gave a small scream of shock.   
  
_I´ve heard of werewolves who simply stopped transforming after they had experienced a serious change in their lives..._ he heard Dumbledore´s voice say in his mind.  
"It´s.....it´s not a coincidence, is it?" Lupin said, in a rush.  
"You´re a...you´re a..."   
  
There was a knock on the door. "Come in," Snape called quickly. A terrified looking second-year entered.  
"Sir," he squeked, "I´ve come for my detention..."   
  
"Very well. Lupin, I´ll see you at dinner," Snape said, not looking at Lupin.  
Lupin hesitated. Then, looking from Snape to the student, he hurried out of the office, desperate to get some time to think. 


	6. Questions answered

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Six: "Questions answered"   
  
It was a chilly morning. Dawn lay on the school grounds, the sun illuminated the Forbidden Forest and the stone walls of Hogwarts in rosy light.   
Remus Lupin watched the sun rise until the light warming his face and the castle walls had turned a deep, rich shade of gold.   
  
It was still early. Breakfast would be starting in about two hours, and Lupin somehow dreaded entering the Great Hall with its noise. He usually enjoyed the meals and feasts in the Great Hall very much, he liked to have young people around him.  
A crowd of students always filled the air with laughter and happiness. They didn´t realize it, probably, but they managed to create an atmosphere of optimism that was so pure it wasn´t comparable to anything else.   
  
Whenever Lupin watched them he felt an incredible warmth spread through his body. All his doubts were washed away, somehow, and a smile of affection erupted on his face. The inner contentment Lupin felt when he was near children or young adults always re-paid for some of the sorrows he had had to go through when he was young. The students of Hogwarts where a particularly cheerful lot.   
  
_Well, not all of them, but even children have things weighing on their minds. I had my own burden, too...._   
  
He shook his head slightly and closed his eyes. He remembered he had decided not to call his werewolfness a burden.  
Lupin looked up at the sun and blinked. Suddenly, he felt he had a very good idea of what it must be like to know you´re looking at something for the last time.   
  
The last dawn. The last sunrise.   
_Must be a big deal..._ he thought, and something inside of him was surprised at his own bitterness.   
  
It wasn´t like he was going to die. Well, he didn´t know, but it was not very probable. But what would be happening that night, he couldn´t know.   
What would happen once the full moon was up? What was going to happen when Lupin had to face that white-grey grimace again?   
  
He had always thought of the moon as a person. For him, the moon had a face, it sneered down at him, laughed at him because he had no means of escaping. It also had its own free will. A will that was stronger than Lupin´s.  
When he was younger, Lupin had started to feel inferior to the moon. This might sound stupid to an outsider, but for Lupin it was the consequence of regarding the moon as his enemy. A problematical side-effect which had developed in the course of this was his attitude towards the wolf inside of him: he had regarded his wolf-side as an enemy, too.  
Unfortunately, it wasn´t easy to change this life-long attitude.   
  
Some people say it is much easier to get rid of a problem once you´ve recognized its nature and located it, but in his current situation, Lupin couldn´t help feeling that this saying was about as true as a lie.   
  
He had decided to give Snape´s idea a try. This was partly because Lupin felt it was the logical thing to do and partly because Snape should have experience with...this sort of thing.   
  
Lupin hadn´t asked Snape whether he was a werewolf yet, though. It was all too clear to be a coincidence, but knowning Snape, he´d probably deny it all. Lupin thought Snape´d even rather die than admit it.   
Lupin remembered only too well how Snape had always made fun of his being a werewolf. Of course, he never actually told anyone, Dumbledore had seen to that, but he had used any chance there was to remind Lupin of what he was. A "monster".   
This expression reminded Lupin of what lay before him.   
  
_Losing my mind and turning into a murderous wolf still doesn´t sound like a very good idea_, Lupin thought, _but do I have a choice? But who knows, maybe I won´t transform, anyway. _  
He still didn´t know how he would react if he didn´t transform. He had given that a lot of thought, but he just couldn´t get to a proper result.   
  
Suddenly, someone cleared his throat behind him. Lupin whirled around. It was Snape. Lupin hadn´t heard him coming. His heart beating fast, Lupin quietly cursed his now almost entirely human -and therefore not very sharp- ears.   
"You´re up early." Snape said calmly.  
"Apparently, I´m not the only one. Good morning, by the way."   
  
Snape didn´t answer. Lupin shrugged slightly.   
"Well, I actually just wanted to go back to my office and get some work done...."  
"Will you try?" Snape interrupted impatiently. Lupin frowned. Then he understood.  
"Yes. I´m not going to take anything tonight. We´ll see what happens." Even Lupin himself was astounded at how calm and brave he had managed to sound.  
"I guess so," Snape replied shortly. "Well, I´ve got some work to do, too."  
He turned on his heel to head back to the front door.   
  
"Wait a minute," Lupin said. He had been wanting to ask quite a few questions for some time now, why not try and do so now?  
"That´s all?" Lupin started with the most recent question.  
Snape stared. "You´ve come here," Lupin went on, "only to ask me that? And don´t play dumb with me, it´s early in the morning and you don´t seem to be a person who enjoys taking a walk at dawn."   
  
"I do like to take a walk," Snape snarled, "what kind of a person do you think I am, anyway?"   
Lupin tried to find a hint of humour or something like humour in Snape´s black eyes, but saw nothing the like. Only the usual anger.  
"I don´t want to get into details." Lupin replied.   
  
When Snape didn´t retort immidiately, Lupin decided to take his chance.  
"Did you try to follow me to the Shrieking Shack when we were at Hogwarts because you were a werewolf yourself?"  
"I was not a werewolf..." Snape said quietly. Just like Lupin had expected. Denial. He felt anger rising inside of him.  
"Oh come on, why did you do it, then? And I saw your reaction the other day when I realized I´ve been acting like you...it can´t be a coincidence!"  
"Care to hear me out, Lupin? I said I wasn´t a werewolf when we were at Hogwarts. I didn´t say I´ve never been one."   
There was a strange gleam in Snape´s black eyes. Lupin gulped.  
"So...it´s true?"  
"Yes."   
  
There was a long pause. Lupin could hear Fang barking somewhere in the depths of Hagrid´s hut.  
Snape bowed his head slightly. Lupin realized his mouth was hanging open and broke the silence.   
  
"When did you...." his voice sounded very hoarse, but Lupin was surprised he had managed to find it again.  
"It...happened about a year before I started at Hogwarts. My...brother. He drowned."   
  
The expression on his face changed so little that you could´ve thought there was no reaction at all, but Lupin, who was a person with a lot of empathy, realized somehow that reliving it all took Snape a lot of strength and will power.   
Snape looked at the lake and went on:  
"He was two years older than me. He was at Hogwarts, too. But only for a brief period. My father was surprised he got the letter at all."   
The familiar sneer was playing about his face again, and Lupin was surprised to see that the usual anger in Snape´s eyes was replaced by a strange, somewhat soft gleam.  
  
Snape´s voice, however, was steady and calm when he went on:  
"My father had always thought he was a squib. But I knew better."   
  
He smiled a smile that Lupin found very odd, but then he realized he found it odd because it was a genuine smile and he´d never seen such a smile on Snape´s face before.  
Suddenly, Snape turned his head to look at Lupin again.  
"I think we should go. It´s time for breakfast." he said, his voice still quiet.  
"You´re right," Lupin agreed. He felt pretty akward as he and Snape walked towards the huge oak doors.  
When they had reached it, a sudden decision made Lupin stop and look at Snape again.   
  
"Will you accompany me tonight?" he asked quickly to give the lurking doubts no chance to hinder him.  
Snape looked as though Lupin had just asked him to marry him.   
  
"You could help me," Lupin said quickly, "you´ve got experience with..."  
"I don´t think that´s a good idea." Snape said coldly.  
"I do have my doubts about it, too, but someone HAS to stay with me. You´re probably the only one who won´t panic," Lupin insisted.  
"What about Dumbledore?" Snape spat.  
"Of course, but...." Lupin lowered his voice before he went on: "he´s not been through it himself."   
  
Snape still didn´t look convinced. On the contrary, he looked determined not to do what Lupin was asking of him.   
"Both of you can come. I feel I could really do with a few people around me..."  
Snape shook his head. "No."   
Lupin snorted irritably. "I´m not asking you to do something impossible."   
  
"Pity, that would be much easier." And with this words, Snape went through the front doors and disappeared into the Great Hall.  
Lupin raised both eyebrows and sighed in disbelief.   
  
"You manage to find a thing you´ve got in common," he murmured, "and it doesn´t help at all." He passed the Entrance Hall slowly.  
_I´ve got far worse things to overcome, though..._  
As he approached the Great Hall, he heard the excited chatter of the students that were already having breakfast together.  
_I don´t think they´ve got a problem as serious as mine_, he thought, but as he stepped into the Great Hall and walked past the long house tables -he couldn´t help it- an absent-minded smile spread over his face. 


	7. A few Surprises

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Seven: "A few Surprises"   
  
"You really...you are sure we can´t help?"   
"Yes."   
  
Neither of the three moved. Lupin smiled, feeling somewhat proud. Harry and his friends. So young and yet so caring. And how they always managed to find out about the things that were happening at Hogwarts...he wondered how they had managed to this time.   
  
"I do appreciate your concern, Harry, really, but" -he glanced at Ron and Hermione- "I have to...do this on my own."   
Lupin knew that telling them how "dangerous" things could get would have no effect at all. Ron wanted to say something, but Hermione kicked him, and he fell silent.   
Harry fixed Lupin for another moment, and Lupin felt the familiar shiver he always felt when Harry looked at him. He just looked so much like James that it was like being set back in time. The inquiring, thoughtful look on Harry´s face resembled James´ so much that Lupin half-expected him to state that he would never let Remus live through something this terrible all by himself.  
That was what James had once said to Lupin. He could remember the occasion only too well...  
  
Harry, however, turned to leave, resembling Lily´s consideration for privacy rather than James´ determinedness. Ron followed Harry, but Hermione gave Lupin an encouraging smile before she too walked towards the door. The door had nearly been shut already when Harry´s head appeared in the gap once again. "Good luck."   
Lupin smiled in response, but Harry had pulled the door shut so quickly he didn´t see it anymore.   
  
How can you forget your past when the walls which surround you, the floor which you set your hesitating feet upon and the ceiling that protects you shout out every bit of it to you?   
  
It was ridiculous. Every step Lupin took was leading him to where he didn´t want to be. To the past. You shouldn´t dwell on the past. You should not live in the past. Especially Lupin should neither dwell on the past nor live in it.   
  
Yet the way his footsteps echoed through the Entrance Hall, the way the flaming torches threw dancing shadows on the walls and floor....it felt like being back in the days when he had been a Hogwarts student himself.  
  
Crossing the Entrance Hall towards the front doors, Lupin had a sick feeling in his stomach. The Shrieking Shack. Not his favorite place at Hogsmeade, not at all......  
If he hadn´t been lost in deep thought, he´d probably have realized that someone was waiting for him at the door. Lupin looked up as he approached the figure and recognized Albus Dumbledore´s outline immidiately.   
  
"Albus," Lupin said, and stopped in front of him.   
"Good evening, Remus," came the reply. His bright blue eyes looked gray to Lupin. Probably a trick of the light, he told himself.  
Dumbledore watched him seriously, before he finally said:  
"Let us go to your office. I want to have a word with you."  
Lupin stared. "No, we can´t! It´s....there´s only an hour or so left...I need to get to the Shrieking Shack!"  
"I´m well aware of the circumstances. You are not going to the Shrieking Shack. I told you so before and I´m telling you again:  
I want to have you inside the castle in case...." -he paused- "...something unexpected happens."   
  
Lupin studied the expression on the headmaster´s face. It was that of an determined Albus Dumbledore, and there was little hope of changing his mind, no matter what you said.   
Lupin, however, replied:   
"It´s too dangerous. Think of the students..."  
"I do think of the students. They are perfectly safe. You are, however, only safe within these walls." He took a few steps towards the marble staircase. Lupin followed instinctively.   
  
Back in his office, Lupin couldn´t sit or stand still. He kept pacing his office, as if hoping to escape what was awaiting him. Suddenly Dumbledore, who had sat down in a chair, spoke again.   
"So Severus has told you about his brother."   
Lupin looked at the old man, slightly irritated. He didn´t feel much like discussing Snape or his brother at the moment.   
  
"Yes," he answered shortly.   
"That is a good sign..." said Dumbledore dreamily.   
_A good sign? I have other things on my mind right now... _   
  
For a split second Lupin wished he was in the Shrieking Shack, alone.  
_If only the night was over, I would know what..._  
"A clever, kind-hearted child, Aureus (A/N:Au-ree-us)."   
Dumbledore´s dreamy voice interrupted Lupin´s thoughts aprubtly.  
"What?" Lupin asked, confusion in his voice.   
"He was a clever, kind-hearted boy, Aureus Snape."  
Lupin stared at the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, who was sitting on a chair near the fire.   
  
The two of them remained silent for a few moments, before Lupin -not without giving a soundless sigh- pulled up a second chair and sat down on it, facing Dumbledore.   
  
"Did Severus tell you," Dumbledore began once Lupin had settled down, "what happened to his brother?" Lupin nodded.   
"He said he drowned."  
Dumbledore looked at Lupin thoughtfully.   
"Yes. That´s what they say." His voice was very low as he went on:  
"I´m quite sure, however, that Severus doesn´t believe it was...an accident."   
  
Lupin frowned. He wasn´t sure what to make of this. Why was Dumbledore telling him all this? Now of all times?   
  
"You are probably wondering why I am telling you this," Dumbledore said quickly. Lupin stared. Maybe the headmaster could read minds after all?   
"Well, Remus, I felt like I should try to help you understand a few things." -"Such as?" Lupin replied curiously. Dumbledore sighed slowly.   
  
"You know, Severus always has reasons for doing what he does. The problem is, what he considers to be 'good reasons' very often is not what others would call 'good reasons'."  
"I think I know what you mean," Lupin said with a strong hint of dry sarcasm in his voice.  
Dumbledore smiled suddenly.   
"Again, you have proved my theory." Lupin stared, confused.   
"What theory?" Dumbledore leaned forward slightly.   
  
"You, Remus, remind him of his brother Aureus. Well, you are alike pretty much, actually. Intelligent, kind-hearted, considerate, helpful and with a preference of participating in exciting -er- tasks. Aureus was wise for his age, very wise indeed..."   
  
Lupin, wearing a slight frown, ran his right hand through his hair distractedly. It was shaking.   
"So you think Severus was trying to help me because I remind him of his brother?"  
Dumbledore nodded. "Yes. However, I don´t know if Severus is in fact aware of that."   
Lupin found that his whole situation got weirder and weirder. He wondered whether things were ever going to be "normal" again, but then he remembered that he was at Hogwarts, and at Hogwarts things were usually anything but normal....having drawn this conclusion, Lupin wondered why he was feeling so sick all of a sudden...   
  
"Remus?" Dumbledore´s voice brought him back to reality. Straigthening up in his chair, Lupin realized he was sweating and with a wave of his wand, he made the fire die out quickly.   
"Remus, I didn´t plan to ask you this right now, but it seems I have changed my mind, most unexpectedly, even to myself."   
  
Lupin gulped. He found it hard to focus his eyes on Dumbledore somehow.  
"Is there....something you are not telling me?" Lupin´s heart skipped a beat. His mind raced back to a night in his past, and showed him a fragment of a scene almost forgotten.   
  
"You may answer with 'yes' or 'no' only, if you want to. And, of course, I won´t force you to answer at all, but....Remus?"   
Lupin had got up suddenly. His face was very white. In an instant, Dumbledore was at his side.   
"Remus?" Lupin didn´t react. He only stood, leaned against the wall for support and stared down at the floor, a blank expression on his face and shaking badly now.   
  
"Remus!" With a vehement movement, Dumbledore grabbed Lupin´s arm. A startled look on his face, Lupin looked up at him. He saw the concerned expression in the headmaster´s eyes, saw that his lips were moving, but he couldn´t hear a sound. There was a pain in his chest, growing stronger rapidly and spreading through his body at an enormous speed.   
Lupin knew what this meant. He tried to say something, but he couldn´t make a single movement because of the pain. His office seemed to move away in the background, it was so far away...   
  
Suddenly, Lupin felt something very strange and for a second he thought the wall behind him was giving way and he was falling through it. But, through another spasm of sharp pain, he realized he was actually falling forwards, not backwards. Then, Lupin knew no more. He didn´t even feel Dumbledore catching his unconscious body before it hit the floor.   
********   
The noise of an argument woke Lupin, many hours later. He didn´t open his eyes. He felt not strong enough for even that little movement. He didn´t feel like he would ever be strong enough to get up again. His legs felt like stone, his arms felt like stone, his whole body felt as if it was made of stone.   
  
However, he knew where he was quite quickly. Hospital wing. He had spent uncountable hours here, he didn´t even need his sharp wolf nose to recognize the smell.  
Eyes still closed, Lupin listened to the voices arguing and identified one of them as Madam Pomfrey´s immidiately.   
  
"Oh no, you are not going in there. No visitors. Professor Lupin is still unconsicous, anyway."   
Lupin strongly expected either Harry´s, Ron´s or Hermione´s voice to answer and smiled softly at the idea of them trying to convince Madam Pomfrey to let them step in.   
  
It was, however, somebody else´s voice, and Lupin´s eyes flew open in surprise when the silky voice of Severus Snape answered, sounding rather annoyed:  
"You´ve told me that twice already. If Lupin´s still unconscious, it can´t harm if I step in, he won´t even realize I´m there. And I am not going to wake him up, Madame Pomfrey, but you are, if you continue to act like a narrow-minded, over-zealous, whining prison guard."   
  
And with those words, the Potions master strode past a speechless Poppy Pomfrey and entered the room.   
  
Lupin turned his head slowly. Snape, realizing that Lupin was awake, stopped dead half-way into the room. He gulped quickly, then he said, sounding a little harsh: "Did I wake you up?"  
"Not really. Madame Pomfrey did," Lupin replied, trying to joke, but his voice was so hoarse he didn´t manage to make it sound like a joke. Snape raised his eyebrows, and Lupin was sure he was about to give his own opinion of Madame Pomfrey once again, but Lupin was quicker.   
  
"You were hoping that I was still unconscious so that you wouldn´t have to speak to me, were you not?" "Well, I...believe I thought it might be a good idea to...check how you are."  
Lupin wanted to say something, but thought better of it.   
"So," Snape went on slowly, "how are you?"   
  
Lupin felt a slight rush of anger at Snape asking something which ought to be obvious, but his anger made Lupin´s head ache, so he answered slowly:  
"I feel...odd. And very weak. I think I´ll never leave the hospital wing again."  
Snape glanced at the door, where Madame Pomfrey had been standing earlier, and said, the familiar sneer playing about his mouth again:  
  
"You will, believe me. Nobody can stand to be here for more than a week. Unless they are unconscious or sleeping. I think that´s why Madame Pomfrey always wants me to brew so many Sleeping Potions."   
  
Lupin suddenly remembered why he was here.  
"What happened?"   
"Ah, well, nobody knows, really. It was time to transform for you, but...." Snape broke off.  
Lupin frowned. "But I did not." Snape nodded shortly. "You...er, fainted."  
Lupin sighed. "Great. Only thing I have to do now is to find out why. Just great."  
Snape walked a little closer. "Dumbledore has told you about the connection between mind and wolf?" Lupin nodded.   
"And about the blockade?" Lupin nodded again.   
  
"I think when the potion kept you from transforming, it only made you keep your human shape, but the wolfish feelings, the aggressions remained."  
Lupin looked up at him. "But still," Snape went on, "it doesn´t really explain why you didn´t transfrom this time. So there must be a mental blockade. But that means..." he hesitated.  
"That means that there´s a little more too it. A potion like that alone couldn´t do it."   
He gave Lupin a piercing look. Lupin wondered what he should say. He´d never told anyone of...that night. And he wasn´t going to do so right now. Snape waited.   
  
"Did you never try to 'unblock' it? You know, never tried to get 'normal'again?" Lupin asked.  
This was not the answer that Snape had expected.  
"I see you´re not going to tell me," he spat angrily, "but I will tell you something now. It´s a secret, sort of."   
Lupin frowned. What was Snape going to tell him? Lupin felt nothing could surprise him any more.   
  
"I did realize that everybody except my Slytherin gang hated me at school and I did wonder what it would be like if I still was a werewolf, without that anger and hate in me."   
He took a few deep breaths before he continued.   
  
"And I also had my own little theory about you. I was quite sure you were a werewolf when I followed you through the Whomping Willow. And the reason I went after you was that I had truly hoped to receive a bite from you." 


	8. Sirius´ Prank

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Eight: "Sirius' Prank"   
  
It was lucky Lupin was lying, because if he had been standing he would probably have fallen onto the floor out of shock, like a tree hit by lightning. It was also lucky that Madam Pomfrey was not present, because she would have dragged Snape out of the hospital wing by his robes´ collar, or his ears, or even his nose (his hair is too slippery), anything suitable for the purpose of throwing him out of the room, for Lupin was looking as if he would have to spend the next few months in the hospital wing.   
  
There was a funny ringing in Lupin´s ears, and Snape´s last words still seemed to linger in the air, although they had been spoken some minutes ago. Lupin gulped and tried hard to tear his eyes away from the spot on the ceiling he had been staring at, fixedly and silently.   
  
"Lupin? Are you there?"   
There was a mild trace of concern in Snape´s voice, which surprised Lupin and gave him the bit of energy he needed to abandon the spot on the ceiling and turn his head towards Snape again.  
"Yes, I...think so," said Lupin in an uncertain voice.   
"You.....you came after me because you wanted to be bitten?"   
  
Snape nodded. "And I would have succeeded, somehow, if Potter" -Lupin realized he had tried to say the name in a more casual tone, not as hateful as usual, which Lupin couldn´t help appreciating- "hadn´t pulled me back. He said I wouldn´t understand what was going on, I told him I *did* understand perfectly well what was going on, but he didn´t listen. Then you appeared at the end of the tunnel, and Potter just grabbed my arm and shoved my out of there. I didn´t try to get back in because" -he paused-   
  
"Well, I knew Potter´d never let me, and I did not want you to harm him in any way, I....knew how terrible it would have been for you if you had made one of your best friends a werewolf or if you had hurt him. I had once been a werewolf myself, after all."   
  
Lupin stared at him, his mouth hanging open. Was that really Snape talking to him?  
But Snape, realizing Lupin´s bewilderment, proved that it was him at once:  
"I admit, Potter was also stronger than me," he said in a grim voice, "and I had hoped I could at least get him or Black -or best of all, both- expelled after that.... I was really furious because they were not even punished in any way. And in my opinion, you forgave your friend Black a little to quickly, Lupin."   
  
Was that disappointment in his voice? Or was Lupin imagining it? He just didn´t trust his human ears. Actually, he couldn´t even believe his ears at the moment...   
  
"As you can imagine, Dumbledore didn´t have real difficulties making me promise I would not tell anyone about you. I knew how people react out of my own experience..."   
He glanced at the window, then back at Lupin. And, seeing utmost surprise shining in the other man´s eyes, he added:  
"You didn´t really believe that I was thick enough to do something BLACK told me to do, did you?" Lupin didn´t answer.   
Snape laughed a cruel laugh.   
  
"I mean, he hated me and I hated him -that hasn´t changed, actually- I knew he would never tell me something that important without dirty thoughts. I have to admit, even I was slightly surprised that he was stupid enough to try and get me killed, but nevermind..."   
Lupin fought back a strong desire to defend Sirius and remained silent. First things first.   
  
"Did you realize how low the chances were that I would only bite you and not...kill you?" Lupin asked cautiously.   
Snape´s eyes gleamed strangely, and he stepped a little nearer.  
"I knew how to fight back a werewolf," he said in a -to Lupin´s ears- threatening voice.   
Lupin felt the hairs on his neck stand up. For a second, he saw the creepy boy that Snape had once been opposite him again.   
  
"Yet," Lupin´s own voice brought him back to the present, "you didn´t try again." Snape grinned.  
"Dumbledore set up certain installments, I believe mainly to keep me from trying again. But I don´t really think I would have, anyway." _I wonder_, Lupin thought, _what Sirius would say now. And James... _   
  
Lupin sat up in his bed suddenly and turned to face Snape. He had decided to tell him something which had kept popping in and out of his mind ever since Sirius´ "joke".   
Lupin realized the oddment about it, but at the same time he just knew that now was the right time to try and tell Snape about the peculiar event afterwards. If a thing such as "the right time" actually existed, that is.   
  
"You know, Severus, James said afterwards -after he.....pulled you back, I mean... He said that it was very strange."   
He looked up at Snape, hoping he would say something, but Snape simply held his gaze silently.   
  
"He said," Lupin went on, "that it was all unreal and weird. He said for a few seconds it was just like pulling back one of us, his best friends, from mortal danger.   
"He even confessed to me once that -at that moment- he feared more for your life than for mine, there would have been terrible consequences for me, as you know, and to be honest, none of us would´ve put it past you to know perfectly well how to...protect yourself from a werewolf.  
"But still, James said the only thing he had in mind was to get you out of there, unharmed. I understand that well, actually."   
  
Snape stared down at the floor and didn´t say a word.  
"When we were all back in our dormitory the next morning," Lupin went on, for it seemed to be important to say this, "James was so quiet I feared something was wrong.   
"When Sirius asked him what was the matter, he looked up at him with a look on his face that I had never seen there before. I think it was the first time he was really angry with Sirius. He murmured something about going to bed, and vanished.   
"I went up after him, and found him staring out of the window. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, I´ll never forget it: 'Remus, it´s all stupid.' I asked what was so stupid, and he answered 'We are. ALL of us.'   
  
"Then he explained. He said right after he had pulled you back, the two of you stood there and stared at the willow, panting. And when you looked at each other... I´ll use James´ words, that´s easier,   
'It just struck me how stupid it all was, we picking on Snape, he picking on us. I mean, there´s a Dark Lord out there, fighting to take over, and here we are, running around, trying to get our fellow students into trouble.'   
"He told me that when you were looking at each other, standing united, it was as if you were the best of friends. I was still weak from the transformation, but I did realize how surprised at his own words James was."   
  
Lupin paused. Snape was still looking at the floor.   
  
"And when James turned away from the window to look at me, he said, and I´ll never forget the look on his face, or the certainty in his voice,  
'And Remus, I swear Snape knew it, too. I saw it in his eyes. He realized how stupid it all is, too. For a few seconds, all the differences between us, all the hate was just...gone. I felt like saying something, but nothing came out of my mouth, somehow. And then, suddenly, whatever it was, vanished.'   
  
"We never talked about it again. While still at school, that is."   
  
Snape didn´t say anything. He wore a frown which Lupin couldn´t interpret. Slowly, and not looking at Lupin, Snape pulled up a chair and sat down next to Lupin´s bed. Several minutes later, Lupin thought Snape had forgotten that he was still there.   
  
"I wonder," Snape said slowly, looking up at the door, "where Madam Pomfrey is. She usually appears to throw visitors out after one minute."   
  
Lupin waited. Was Snape going to comment on what Lupin had just told him?  
He watched Snape silently. Then, all of a sudden, Snape got up, glanced at Lupin and, murmuring something like "I´ll see you later, Lupin." in that harsh voice of his, he left the room and shut the door noisily behind him. Lupin, staring after him with astonishment on his face, managed to find his voice again and muttered:   
"I´ll be just fine, don´t worry."  
  
How could Lupin have been so stupid to believe Snape would actually stay there at his bedside and chat with him about the incident?   
  
_That´s the problem with him_, Lupin thought, _you never know which way he will jump._  
But still, turning in his bed, hoping to get rid of that terrible headache soon, Lupin couldn´t help feeling that more than only the door had just been pulled shut. 


	9. Snape´s Brother

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Nine: "Snape's brother"   
  
Even the darkest sky hides a bright sun.  
This saying had once been one of Lupin´s favorites. He couldn´t remember when exactly he had forgotten about the wisdom in that sentence, and right now, standing in front of the large window, looking thoughtfully up at a grey, dull sky, he couldn´t believe he actually *had* forgotten about it.   
  
It was raining. Thick, clear drops ran down the glass, blurring the world which lay in front of the window, and made Lupin feel terribly out of place. It was like being shut out. Locked away.  
Sometimes Lupin had the idea that this feeling had always been there, somewhere deep inside of him, muffled by smooth layers of optimism and burried under a lie, a lie so strong and yet so simple that even a glimpse of truth, of broad daylight, had never been able to resurrect it.   
  
Yet it was there now, a familiar tug into no particular direction, a soft but steady pain in Lupin´s heart, the most accurate description to a human being´s mind -entirely human being, that is- would have been:  
Sadness.   
  
But human sadness is very different from the sadness of a werewolf. No human being is able to feel a sadness as sombre, as overwhelming and as poetic as a werewolf´s sadness. A werewolf´s sadness inspires the werewolf to the same extent as it eats him up. And -most unfortunately- it never truly ceases to exist.   
A non-wolfish person may frown and ask "Why do wolves howl?", a werewolf knows, for he feels it, too:  
It is the dragging, heavy sadness on which each of them floats, endangered of drowning.   
  
_And when there is a tempest, the wolves hunt and slay...._, Lupin thought, watching rain-drops falling from the leaves of a nearby tree.  
He frowned absent-mindedly. _Look, the trees are crying..._   
  
"Lupin?" Lupin jumped and spun around. Snape was standing in the door-way. Lupin gave a sigh of relief.   
"Did I scare you?" Snape asked, a sneer just audible in his voice.  
"Yes," Lupin said irritably, "you did. Do you always have to prowl about like that?" Snape snorted.  
"Well, I didn´t mean to scare you."   
He took a few steps forward, and Lupin suddenly realized that his prowling walk had much of that of a wolf.  
Why had he never realized before?   
  
"So are you feeling better yet?" Snape asked rather formally.  
"Yes, a little," Lupin replied, trying hard to sound convincing. Snape didn´t seem to believe him, but to Lupin´s relief, he didn´t make further inquiries either. He slowly reached out for a chair near the window and sat down on it silently. Lupin hesitated. He felt that slightly too many surprising or even shocking things occured when Snape was around these days....   
  
Snape looked up at him. "You´d better be well again soon", he said, a twisted grin on his face. And there is the next astonishing thing, Lupin thought. But Snape, however, went on:  
"Because it is getting a little annoying, teaching two subjects at the same time..."  
Lupin, finally, sat down on the window-sill and replied, giving a shrug:  
"Dumbledore could hire a substitute teacher." Snape´s eyes gleamed maliciously. "I don´t reckon I´d like the fellow very much..."   
Lupin grinned. _Bet you wouldn´t..._   
  
"Well, I was referring to Potions, actually," he said firmly. Snape´s smile vanished.   
"You´re not....you´re not saying you want to leave. Are you?"   
There definitly was a trace of anger in his voice, and -as usual- Lupin did not know what to make of it and remained silent.   
  
"Because if you are, that potion will never work properly."  
Lupin blinked. "Are you saying you want to try to perfect it?" Snape nodded slowly.  
"And for that you need a werewolf." Snape nodded again.  
Lupin snorted angrily. "Well, you see what happened last time. Do you really expect me to volunteer after all that´s happened?" Snape said nothing.   
  
"Well, Severus," Lupin said, deliberatly stressing the Potions master´s name, "you may not have realized, but I have serious problems myself at the moment."  
"I did realize," Snape said furiously, "believe it or not!"  
Lupin nodded. "Good!" Snape took a deep breath, and said:  
"I think I realized it better than you did."   
  
There was silence. Once again, Lupin didn´t know what to make of that comment, and looking at Snape thoughtfully, he decided that some things don´t need an interpretation. They speak for themselves.  
But was that comment such a thing? Did it speak for itself? And did Lupin dare to believe it did?   
  
Snape looked out of the window.   
"It´s raining hippogriffs and nifflers," he observed quietly.  
Lupin watched him, wondering what to say. But before he could think of something, Snape looked up at him again.   
"Lupin, do you have an idea why all this is happening to you?" His voice was very serious.  
Lupin didn´t answer. Snape got to his feet. "I think you do." Lupin looked at him, a weary, tired expression in his eyes.  
"Do you?"  
"Yes."   
  
Suddenly, Snape smiled weakly and leaned against the window.  
"Do you know how surprised I was?" Lupin blinked.  
"I mean, can you imagine how surprised I was when Potter pulled me back?"   
Lupin gulped suddenly. Snape? Volunteering information of that kind? To HIM? What was going on? There was the feeling again, the feeling of being in the wrong world...   
  
"It was the first time someone did something really...nice for me. Apart from" -he hesitated, but found his voice again quickly- "apart from my brother, that is."   
  
There was a long silence. Then, without really being aware of the words coming out of his mouth, Lupin asked, his voice low and calm:  
"What happened to him, Severus?"   
Snape looked directly into Lupin´s eyes for a few seconds, probably considering whether he should answer or not.  
Then, and it gave Lupin a funny feeling of both triumph and relief, Snape said very slowly:  
"I was ten. Aureus was twelve, about to start his second year at Hogwarts. Like I told you, our father had always thought he was a squib.   
" Still can´t forget the look on his face when the letter came. But it was his fault Aureus never showed signs of magic when he was around."   
  
There was a pause in which Snape looked out of the window.  
"He hated our father too much. He was quite disappointed in his sons, one being a werewolf, the other a squib. Didn´t think it was good for the family´s name. And didn´t want to leave the family´s fortune for two brats like us to spend it." Snape smirked suddenly.   
  
"You know, 'Aureus' is Latin for 'golden'. My father gave him that name because he, as the first-born, would inherit the family´s fortune. I had hoped it would be getting better once it was obvious that my brother was not a squib at all, but I was wrong. Very wrong.  
"You see, my transformations at that time were terrible -I don´t need to tell you- I was locked away in the basement, alone. But Aureus always managed to get in there somehow. Still don´t know how he did it, and he managed to persuade our father to let him stay with me.  
"Nobody knows why, but I never harmed my brother in any way. No one could go near me once I was transformed, except for Aureus. I never even scratched him. Well, we were very close, as you can imagine. We did everything together and he would always defend me and protect me from my father.  
  
"Our father was very strict. He gave me the name 'Severus', it´s supposed to mean that my up-bringing was, well, 'strict' and that my life should be that way, too. Aureus was the only person I trusted. He spent every full moon with me, calming and stroking me. But when he was at Hogwarts, I was left alone with my father, which means nobody was there to protect me.  
"You see, Aureus didn´t take the path which my father had had in mind for him, so I was his last hope, so-to-speak. But, my close relationship to my brother was in my father´s way. Aureus had to much influence on me. My werewolfness was in his way, too.   
  
"So, the Slytherin that he was," Snape smirked, "my father decided he ought to take action."   
Snape turned and looked at Lupin very seriously.   
  
"How likely do you think it is for a magical child to simply drown in a lake?"  
Lupin gulped heavily. He had feared Snape´s story would lead to this.  
  
"And he was a good swimmer, my brother. My father must have done his research on werewolves very carefully, for his plan worked. I was no longer a werewolf." He snorted.   
"It hadn´t been implied, of course, that I would find out. Now that my father had a free reign over me, it actually took me quite some time to figure it out, and I didn´t say what was on my mind for years.   
  
"But shortly after my graduation from Hogwarts, I -finally- confronted him. The result was my repudiation from the family and my disinheritance, of course."   
Snape gave Lupin a look that -for a short moment- increased the distinct pain in Lupin´s heart.  
"I didn´t care, though. It didn´t bring back my brother."   
  
And suddenly, Lupin saw it, he saw it in Snape´s eyes, clear and unmistakable:   
The solitary, solemn sadness of a werewolf. 


	10. Murder of the firstborn Son

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Ten: "Murder of the First-born Son"   
  
It gives you an odd feeling when the truth is brought up to the light of day, lingering before your eyes, ready for an inevitable closer examination. During his miserable childhood, Lupin had never thought there could be someone who wanted to be a werewolf, a beast, a monster.... Yet there had been (or there was, he couldn´t be sure anymore).   
  
The Whomping Willow actually looked peaceful from up here.   
Absent-mindedly, Lupin tried to picture a 16-year-old Snape running after him, hoping to receive a bite. If someone had told Lupin the true reason for Snape´s following him, he would have died of laughter. There were mysteries in life you could never solve, and many you didn´t even come across - consciously.   
  
Lupin watched a small drop of rain running down the window. The weather had been terrible for days. The hospital wing´s wide window had received a "promotion", so-to-speak, from a place for ill students to gaze out and feel even sicker when watching their friends outside, to Lupin´s favorite place to sit and think.  
He had always wanted to have a brother. Imagine having a father who wants to kill your brother. He shivered at the idea.   
  
_I have seen Severus´ parents once or twice. His father always scared me,_ Lupin remembered, _he had a very cold and frightening air about him._   
  
Lupin could remember only too well how intense his feelings had been. After all, he had always been very empathetic, many werewolves were. He had, however, never dared to mention it to his friends. He shook his head in disbelief as the next thought struck him:   
  
_I thought they were alike, Severus and his father. I actually thought Severus was just like his father..._  
Lupin grimaced. The disgust he had been feeling in his stomach for days whirled up again.  
  
_Killing your own child. I can´t find appropriate words to describe a...thing like that. No wonder Severus was the way he was like._   
  
Bewilderment and shock were still present in Lupin´s mind, caused by both the fact that Severus -yes, Severus Snape, spiteful Slytherin, known for insults of the worst kind, feelingless as a stone- had told him, Lupin, about the murder of his brother Aureus, and by *what* he had said.  
Lupin assumed Snape had felt he could just as well do the thing properly and tell him the whole story -which was not a pleasant one.  
  
Aureus´ father, after having decided to focus his plans for the family´s future on Severus and choosing him as his heir (Lupin could remember Severus´ own words clearly:   
"In my father´s eyes, there was still hope for me. Getting my brother killed meant getting rid of that 'brat' and of my werewolfness. My father knew losing Aureus would shatter my world to pieces."), had put a quite complex spell on his oldest son Aureus.   
  
A very clever spell. It could not be detected, not even by skilled wizards. It was a spell that paralyses your muscles the moment an inch of your skin gets into contact with water.   
In the old days, wizards used this spell on too reluctant baits in fishing (wizards needed bigger baits, and therefore they were a whole lot stronger than little ones. They also liked to put the spell on magical sea inhabitants or fish they had already pulled out of the water so that they couldn´t swim away when the managed to free themselves somehow.).   
  
All there was left for him to do now was to get his oldest son into the water. There was a lake near the Snape mansion, Aureus´ and Severus´ most favorite place in the world. Aureus loved swimming, something his father disliked ("Yet another annoying thing about him", Severus had said ironically, "enjoying fun and lakes, being a nice person, being someone who didn´t obey my father like everyone else did, and -being a Gryffindor.").   
  
During the summer holidays, shortly before Aureus´ second year at Hogwarts would have started ("I realized later it had not been a coincidence that my parents hadn´t got his new books for school although the summer was nearly over - my father knew Aureus wouldn´t need any and wanted to save the money."), the family leader took his oldest son for a boat tour on the lake.   
Of course, the 12-year-old accepted the invitation. Lupin snorted. The bastard was his father, after all.   
  
Lupin´s eyes wandered over to the school lake. _And then,_ he thought bitterly, _his own father pushed him into the water - and watched._  
The image of a boy floating motionless, head down, in the water popped into Lupin´s mind, and he realized he was shaking with anger - the story tortured him more than one would think (even to his own slight surprise).  
  
Unconsciously, he closed his eyes as Snape´s ghostly voice began to speak in his mind, hesitantly and only just audible, like it had sounded the day before:   
  
"He must have sunk right down to the bottom at first. He couldn´t move a muscle. My father said he looked like a small log with a face. Yes, when I confronted him, my *father* was only too happy to tell me all about the 'incident' and all its details. I tell you what, Lupin: He was proud of what he´d done."   
  
Before his inner eye, Lupin saw a pale boy again, sinking deeper and deeper, a twisted expression on his face because he couldn´t open his mouth to try and scream. Then, suddenly, the boy´s face changed into a girl´s. Lupin shook his head violently.  
He moved a shaky hand to his forehead and pushed some hair out of his eyes. _I thought we had gotten over that..._   
  
Quickly and quietly, Lupin turned around and walked over to his bed, where he sat down. After a moment´s peace, his mind was back on Snape´s story.   
  
_Telling Severus about the murder to his face and with utmost pride,_ Lupin thought disgustedly.   
_The fact that Severus didn´t strangle his father right away proves he is very different from him, and different from what I used to think of him. I can´t believe I once thought they have much in common._   
  
And nobody could ever prove old Snape´s guilt. Lupin wondered who knew the truth. He hadn´t dared to ask about Snape´s mother.   
_Dumbledore must know, and now I do, too. I am one of the few who do know, how strange if you take the past into account._  
Well, less than a handful of beings on the surface of the earth knew about the girl... 


	11. Lupin´s Secret

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Eleven: "Lupin's Secret"   
  
Little girls are the joy of the fathers, the joy of the mothers, the joy of the teachers, the joy of the universe.  
If -and only if- they really are little girls. There are those who resemble monsters, unnerving dolls, clever hyenas or...well, whining boys.   
They seldom are "real" little girls with their thoughtful consideration and big puppy eyes that are astounded at the infinite world around them, examining it carefully.   
  
The death of said girls always leaves -as death does in general- a silent but screaming storm of anger in anybody connected to the victim.   
  
That being said, it doesn´t come as a surprise that Remus Lupin had already had more archenemies than there were members in his family when he was less than ten years old.  
Heavy rain was pouring down on the lone figure just visible through the thick branches of the trees. The Forbidden Forrest was hidden behind a wall of rain and an odd white mist. Perfect. Perfect for the lonesome werewolf (who wasn´t really a werewolf anymore) to sit and drown in his sorrows.  
  
And the old questions rose again. _Was that me? Am I a murderer? Can you call it murder?_  
They said it was homicide.   
  
"9-year-old werewolf kills 7-year-old", the old head-line.  
The beginning of a hysteria never seen before. The beginning of almost two years of hunting down and slaying werewolves.  
They didn´t say girl. He frowned.   
_Why didn´t they say "7-year-old girl"?_   
  
As if there was a difference. Lupin pushed some wet hair out of his eyes. He thought of his students.   
_What were you thinking, becoming a teacher? You are dangerous. A threat to everyone in this school.  
Correction, you *were* a threat, and right now you have no idea what you are._   
  
Snape was right, Dumbledore was right (no surprise there). It was not the potion that kept him from transforming, it was the terrible memory which he had burried under lies for years and years.  
Of course, it had been kept quiet who that "9-year-old werewolf" was.  
Luckily. Lupin doubted he would be sitting here if it had been made public.   
  
"I knew I´d find you here." Lupin closed his eyes in disappointment.   
The peace was over.   
  
Without turning, he answered: "I would rather be left alone, Severus."   
Snape sat down on the slippery log next to the sad figure of Remus Lupin, and without looking at him, he stated:   
"I know."   
  
Silence fell, the noise of the rain was the only thing to be heard for several minutes.  
Then, Snape turned to Lupin. It looked like he wanted to ask something, but thought better of it.   
"You´ll catch your death sitting out here in the rain, Lupin."   
Lupin looked at him seriously. "I know."   
  
Again, nothing but the rustle of the rain.   
  
"This conversation is not exactly....fluent, don´t you think?" Snape sneered.  
"No." Lupin answered. "Why did you come looking for me?"  
Snape shrugged slightly. "I am not sure."   
Lupin nodded quietly.   
  
"I think I was...," Snape continued, "...hoping you´d tell me something."   
He gave Lupin a piercing look.  
  
Lupin took a deep breath, then glanced up at the sky.   
"Do you like children, Severus?" he asked.   
  
Snape blinked. "Er, well...not really."   
Lupin looked at him softly. "Think hard."  
Snape frowned. "I guess I don´t like the majority of children. I like some children."   
  
Lupin smiled mildly. "I think I know who you are thinking of right now."  
  
Snape grinned very quickly. "I don´t think you do."  
A sudden pain in Lupin´s chest made him jump up. Clutching his left side, he leaned against the nearest tree, which was shimmering in the pale light of day.   
  
"Lupin? Are you all right?" Snape was at his side instantly.   
"Yes, I guess so."   
Lupin looked up at the taller Potions master.   
"Severus, do you remember the first and only -known- time a pre-mature werewolf killed an infant?"   
  
Snape´s black eyes narrowed.   
"Yes, I do. I was nine years old at that time." His face expression became dead serious.   
  
"That incident finally convinced my father that he had to get rid of my werewolfness. The slaughter of werewolves that followed the infant´s death was unique in Wizarding history. A huge step backwards for all the political groups who wanted werewolves to join the Ministry."   
He paused.   
  
"I guess you could say it was the death sentence for my brother."   
His voice was very dry.  
  
Lupin gulped. "Severus....if I told you that....that..."  
A deep frown emerged on Snape´s forehead.   
"What?" he asked suspiciously.  
Lupin took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a second, and said:  
"It was me. I was the werewolf who killed the child."   
  
Snape stared. Then he took two steps backwards, breathing heavily.  
Lupin did the only thing he could do - he waited.  
For what, he didn´t know. 


	12. Of Past and Present

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Twelve: "Of Past and Present"   
  
Nothing happened. There was the soft rustle of the rain. There was a distant, hooting noise, that of an owl, Lupin assumed. But nothing more.  
Then, there was an audible intake of breath from Snape´s direction.   
"I knew it."   
Lupin looked up at him. "What?"   
  
Snape smirked slightly. "Well, a nine-year-old werewolf, there are not that many werewolves around who are exactly of my age."   
And only just audible, he went on: "It´s good that you told me."  
  
"It is?"   
"Yes!"   
  
Slowly, Lupin walked over to the log and sat down once again.   
"Now that you know, can you leave me alone? Please?"  
Snape shook his head. "No." He sat down on the old, dark brown tree next to his colleague.  
Lupin gazed at a spot somewhere between the trees and said nothing. Nor did the Potions master, whose black hair was already dripping with water.  
  
"What was her name?" Snape asked, in a voice too soft to be his own. Lupin didn´t react.   
Snape sighed slowly. Glancing up at the grey sky, he gulped quickly before once again turning to the other teacher.   
"Remus, what was her name?"   
  
_Remus? REMUS?_   
Lupin looked at him, startled. There was a waiting expression on Snape´s pale face. Not the impatient look that Hogwarts students knew only too well, just a calm, waiting look.   
  
"Sarah," Lupin heard his hoarse voice reply, "her name was Sarah."  
Snape nodded. "Sarah. And did you know Sarah?"  
"Not really. I had seen her a few times, in the village. We even talked once or twice."   
  
He gave a helpless shrug. "You see, I somehow managed to break out of our house. Nobody knows what Sarah was doing in the forrest that late at night. Our paths crossed....and....and she didn´t leave the forrest in one piece. Literally."   
  
Lupin gulped heavily. Snape didn´t say anything.   
"But it wasn´t me, it was the wolf who did it! Wasn´t it?"  
The rain had become softer.   
  
"That," Snape said, "is a difficult question. No wonder you´ve never wanted to regard the wolf inside of you as a part of you. You blamed him for the murder."  
  
Lupin felt very tired. "No, I don´t like the idea of a children slaying monster being a part of me!"   
Suddenly, in a vehement movement, Snape grabbed Lupin´s shoulder.   
  
"And do you reckon," he hissed, "that I like the idea of a former Death Eater being a part of me?" Lupin stared.   
"What´s wrong with you, Lupin?" His voice was agitated.   
  
"You are the most grown-up and realistic person I know, life has always played tricks on you, but you could always cope."   
Snape took a few calming breaths.   
"You shouldn´t let the past live on like that. I shouldn´t let it, too. Nobody should."   
  
So now Severus Snape was giving him advice. He of all people.   
But he was right, Lupin knew it.   
_What happened to Sarah happened long ago. I was a child. I couldn´t have done anything to save the girl....._   
  
Suddenly, a thought struck him.  
"Severus, how did you know it was a girl?"   
Snape simply looked at him.  
"How did you know the child I killed was a girl? Her identity was kept secret." He thought of the newspaper clipping.   
"9-year-old werewolf kills 7-year-old".   
  
Snape snorted. "You know, Lupin," -his black eyes fixed on the other teacher- "I didn´t like you when I came here as a boy. After a few days, I knew I didn´t like the *marauders* as well, but I didn´t like you the moment you were called on stage to try the Sorting Hat."   
  
Lupin felt something inside of his chest contort strangely.   
  
"And do you know why? I knew perfectly well what you were. And I knew it was you who killed the girl. My father had told me. Your killing was the reason why he was "so delighted" about my transformations stopping after Aureus´ death, after all. Well, that´s what he said. And it gave him the last bit of determination he needed to murder my brother."  
Lupin couldn´t say anything.   
  
"Of course, I didn´t know Aureus had been murdered back then, but still I couldn´t help loathing you."  
There were times when Remus Lupin wished he was somebody else, and this was one of those times.   
  
"But," Snape went on slowly, "I didn´t know better then, but I do now. The past is over. Even this moment will be over soon. You and me sitting on a slippery log in the Forest, soaking wet and probably flat on our backs for the next two weeks because of a bad cold, this moment will be past soon."   
  
Lupin smiled weakly. "Think of all the lessons the students won´t get." Snape eyed him seriously.   
"I don´t reckon they´ll be particularly sad."   
After a moment of thought, he added: "Well, maybe except for that Granger girl." 


	13. The Final Break with Tradition

**The Wolf Within**   
_by SnapeRulez_

  
Chapter Thirteen: "The Final Break with Tradition"   
  
A cup of tea is one of those pleasant things that no one can help but like. A good cup of tea. Hot, tasty, and all in all nothing but a reassuring sort of thing. Why should one not like a cup of tea?   
  
Lupin decided there was no reason he could think of, and, furthermore, decided he should rather drink the tea than praise it, as it was of no real use once cold.   
  
Having taken a few sips, Lupin suddenly felt that a quiet, beautiful night like this needed a celebration. It called for one, and surely it deserved one, especially with a nice, white full moon like that....   
  
But, he remembered, it had been him who hadn´t wanted a "celebration", or as Snape had put it, "a farewell party", or as Dumbledore had put it, with an excited expression in his eyes, "an excellent excuse for a fancy feast with your colleagues!"   
  
Lupin agreed with Snape (which was nothing utterly surprising theses days) on this particular matter.   
There was no feast in order when you say good-bye to a part of yourself, not even on an extrodinarily peaceful and inviting night like tonight. The last full moon had been rather tense, as everyone had expected Lupin to either black out once more or to turn into a werewolf again.   
  
Neither had happened, and even Lupin himself was surprised at how calm he had been before the moon was up and especially - after.  
No transformation. Dumbledore had said "It seems you have made your peace, Lupin. I am very glad. Very glad indeed."   
  
At that point he had glanced at Snape, smiled a warm smile quickly and had then returned to re-arranging his books on the book-shelf.   
  
A knock on the door brought Lupin back to the present, and carefully he put his tea-cup down onto his desk.   
"Come in", he called. "Severus," he said as he recognized the Potions Master, "you´re up late."   
  
Lupin smiled openly as the moodily murmured reply came.   
"I see you are in a good mood?" Snape asked. Lupin patted the tea-cup lightly. "Yes."  
"No pain? No...wolfish feelings?"   
Lupin shook his head rather happily. "No wolf. Just me."  
"Good." Snape looked at the tea-cup.  
"Do you want some tea, Severus?" Lupin asked.  
Snape grimaced. "No. I hate tea."   
  
Lupin raised his eye-brows, but then he started to chuckle in a rather amused sort of way.  
"Everybody likes tea, Severus."  
"I do not."   
Lupin laughed quietly. "You´re not like everybody, then."  
"You should´ve realized that by now, Lupin."  
"Yes, sure." His look darkened slightly.   
"Does calling me 'Remus' do any harm?"   
"Yes," Snape spat.   
  
Lupin blinked. "What?"  
Snape sighed, seemingly annoyed.   
"I mean, it´s bad for my reputation."   
  
Lupin took another sip of tea, looking at Snape over the blue rim of the cup.   
"Don´t you think," he began, "it is time for a break with tradition?"  
Snape took a small step forward.   
"There has already been a break with tradition."  
Silence followed.   
  
"You shouldn´t," Snape started, "be too confident about the transformations stopping. It might return. Not very likely, but it might."   
Lupin put his cup down once again and leaned forward a little. He watched the Potions Master´s face intently.   
  
"Are you telling me to be careful?"  
Snape grimaced once more. "No."  
Lupin heaved a sigh and opened his mouth to speak, but Snape interupted.   
  
"What I am telling you is: Take care."  
It was lucky that Lupin didn´t knock over his tea-cup, as there were several essays lying on the desk.  
"Oh."   
Lupin took another reassuring sip of tea. "I will. Thanks."   
  
Snape turned quickly and put his hand on the door-knob. He opened the door, but turned to look at Lupin, who was still a little shocked with surprise.   
  
"And...," Snape began heavily, "you know..."  
He didn´t seem to be capable of finishing the sentence.   
  
Lupin smiled mildly. "Yes. I know where you are, in case I need help." Snape cleared his throat.   
"Good. Er, I´ll see you at breakfast, then."  
  
He left the office and pulled the door shut behind him.  
Lupin was still looking at the door long after Snape had gone.   
  
"Who are they," he said into the empty room softly, "calling you 'heartless' ?"   
  
THE END. 


End file.
